Kids & Grades

Yes I agree w/ darksky......it's the mother's fault even tho' the children are doing it. If the mother has the "I don't think it's that big of a deal" attitude, then no surprise the children have it too. Unfortunately, unless your husband sues for custody, there's not a whole lot you can do from a distance.

Missnola, as a special education teacher who works with the learning disabled and emotionally disturbed, (and has teenage triplets) I'll put in my two-cents' worth, if you don't mind.

First of all, understand that 7th and 8th graders are in a very crucial stage of their adolescence- they start to test limits, rebel against authority, and take risks. I know this is not comforting to hear, but a very consistent presence in the home that provides a good deal of structure in the home is critical at this time. Sadly, that presence is not there.

Secondly, you are trying to impact their lives from about 2,000 miles away. Unfortunately, your impact is going to be limited, although your attempts are certainly admirable. The limited impact is due to one major reality: You are not there-period. You are not present to enforce your concerns, lay down the house rules, and enforce them. You can advise them, encourage them, present them with life's realities, even threaten them, but the truth is, in 7th and 8th grade, they are living in the here-and-now. While they may respect and love you, they perceive your concerns as irrelevant to their lives, because you simply are not able to enact "household legislation" as it were to support your concerns. Logic and reason are generally not effective at this age; they need reinforcements when they do well and an element of misery when they don't. In other words, you are powerless to do anything about it. It is true that the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world, or at least the household, so to speak.

Quite simply, the two need some house ground rules and consequences that are consistently enforced when they are broken. Without knowing the whole situation, it sounds like mom might be trying to be their friend to help make up for the absence from their father and maybe to even alleviate some of her own guilt for the family separation. It may also be that she herself wants to enjoy a second adolescence and does not want to deal with the confrontations that raising pre-adolescents and teens can bring.

All you can do is let them know you care and are there for them to listen. There's not a great deal you can from 2,000 miles away. Remember this- by always staying in touch with them, they will have a caring constant in their lives. Perhaps someday, they will come to their senses on their own (there is no hint that mom will do so anytime soon) and at that point they may seek you out for guidance.

Have faith, stay strong, and keep hanging in there for them- even from 2,000 miles away!

I hope it works out for the children's sake, you are doing the right thing and will only have a chance to improve their study habits and provide some discipline to get them back on track by gaining some more time with them.