Post by Atomic on Aug 22, 2007 21:42:58 GMT -6
Hurricane Preparedness
To ex-Louisianans, present Louisianans, and future Louisianans:
Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes
We're now full swing into hurricane season. In the coming months,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather
person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf
of Mexico and making two basic meteorological
points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Louisiana . If you're new to the area, you're
probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big
one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that
you follow this simple three-step hurricane
preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last
your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people
will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will
foolishly stay here in Louisiana. We'll start with
one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and
easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is
located in Nebraska .
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South
Louisiana, or any other area that might actually be
hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because
then they might be required to pay YOU money, and
that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place. So you'll
have to scrounge around for an insurance company,
which will charge you an annual premium roughly
equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used
dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an
estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
Insurance Company, under a policy which states that,
in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are
entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all
the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major
hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several
types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because
you make them yourself, they're cheap. The
disadvantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these
work well, once you get them all up. The
disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will
be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that
they're very easy to use, and will definitely
protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest
wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like
ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane
winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman
says so. He lives in Nebraska .
Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for
movable objects like barbecue grills, planters,
patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your
swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately). Otherwise,
the hurricane winds will turn these objects into
deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have
an evacuation route planned out. (To determine
whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your
driver's license; if it says " Louisiana ," you live
in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an
evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from
your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last
can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the
following supplies:
23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries
that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the
wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's
traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This
will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the
alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille;
after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man
with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that
you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your
television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you
over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck!
To ex-Louisianans, present Louisianans, and future Louisianans:
Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes
We're now full swing into hurricane season. In the coming months,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather
person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf
of Mexico and making two basic meteorological
points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Louisiana . If you're new to the area, you're
probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big
one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that
you follow this simple three-step hurricane
preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last
your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people
will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will
foolishly stay here in Louisiana. We'll start with
one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and
easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is
located in Nebraska .
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South
Louisiana, or any other area that might actually be
hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because
then they might be required to pay YOU money, and
that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place. So you'll
have to scrounge around for an insurance company,
which will charge you an annual premium roughly
equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used
dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an
estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
Insurance Company, under a policy which states that,
in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are
entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all
the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major
hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several
types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because
you make them yourself, they're cheap. The
disadvantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these
work well, once you get them all up. The
disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will
be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that
they're very easy to use, and will definitely
protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest
wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like
ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane
winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman
says so. He lives in Nebraska .
Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for
movable objects like barbecue grills, planters,
patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your
swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately). Otherwise,
the hurricane winds will turn these objects into
deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have
an evacuation route planned out. (To determine
whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your
driver's license; if it says " Louisiana ," you live
in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an
evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from
your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last
can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the
following supplies:
23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries
that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the
wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's
traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This
will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the
alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille;
after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man
with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that
you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your
television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you
over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck!
